midnight in the netherworld

lamey

2005-05-21T16:55:00.000-07:00

i've been contemplating on shutting down this site and just using my other blog. for those of you who i haven't informed yet, i also have a blog on tabulas.com. my other url is http://www.tabulas.com/~bokal. my other site is equipped with links and a taggie. you can tag me just to make your presence felt if you don't feel like making comments.

i'm having a hard time blogging in this site. i couldn't even generate a tagboard or post pictures. tabulas is more user friendly. i can even generate a playlist there so i can listen to my favorite sounds while blogging. and in the future, if i run out of sensible material to post i will most probably close down this site. or maybe i'll just use it occasionally

friday the 13th...

2005-05-13T15:06:00.000-07:00

i woke up to a throbbing headache this morning, the main reason why i was late by an hour and a half. it's past 2 pm now and the headache hasn't left me yet. i tried applying some kind of liniment but to no avail. tomorrow's our company outing but i don't feel like going. it's not the usual crowd i go out with, though these are the same guys i was in baguio with two years ago minus tricia who has since left for greener pastures and kyla who has long moved over to the dark side. and since i'm not going, it's gonna be another long weekend for me. i'm going home to marikina tonight. earlier, i was thinking of spending tonight at san juan to have a few beers with sonny. but i decided to go home to marikina tonight because the car won't be available to take me there tomorrow. the weather's still in the mid 30's and this is what probably caused my headache coupled with my exhaustion due to last night. i was so tired last night when i followed kix, anna-mer and sonny to megamall. i wasn't aware that it was gonna take them all night to shop. had i known they would take long, i never would have followed them. i even had to log on upon arriving home last night to upload some pictures of rory on the internet. i need a long rest tonight and tomorrow. i'll probably sleep the whole day tomorrow and sunday. ayy sarrrappp.....

happy mom's day.

2005-05-09T06:54:00.000-07:00

happy mother's day to all the moms in the world. yesterday was mother's day and i wasn't even with my own mom. i was with joy and rory in their house in marikina. it's really difficult to divide time between two homes and the workplace. my relationship with my mom hasn't alway been smooth sailing and among her children i feel i am the least favorite. but i don't let it affect me. i'm a realist and i accept the facts the way they are and then i learn how to be practical about them.

to my mom: thanks for bringing me into this world. thanks for all the sacrifices. thanks for the unconditional love, the patience and the understanding. thanks for making me what and who i am today. and thanks for being a friend and a mother to someone like me who isn't always easy to get along with.

to my wife: thanks for being a wife, a lover and a friend all at the same time. thanks for the unconditional love, the patience and the perseverance. thanks for making rory what and who he is today. and thanks for being a wonderful mom to rory, and a wonderful wife to me who most of the time is an absentee father and husband.

to my bestfriend: i know you will always be a good mom to luke. just hang on in there. i will always be here for you, no matter what and inspite of all.

killing time again

2005-05-07T18:03:00.000-07:00

it's a quarter to 6:00 and i'll soon be out of the office. if it just wasn't so damn boring in here, i could probably spend all day experimenting with my blogs. and if it wasn't for the air conditioning, i won't even spend a minute in here. it's so hot outside that the atmosphere is like that of a desert. at home the electric fan in my room can be likened to an exhaust pipe spewing hot fumes. and everytime rory comes over to visit, he doesn't even sleep in my room, he sleeps in my eldest sister's room which is air conditioned. (pinagpalit ako sa aircon :-)

i've been in the office since early morning. in fact i spend more time here and on the road than at home during weekdays. the last time i saw my mom was wednesday night pa yata when she woke me up to ask if i was having dinner. she is still sound asleep when i leave the house in the morning and by the time i arrive in the evening she has long since retired to her room, not sleeping though but watching her favorite koreanovelas.

it seems my life and daily routine are so predictable that you could probably predict up to the most minute detail what i would be doing everyday for the next 4 weeks to come. i guess i really need to unwind sometimes, like take the day off and get dead drunk, or go somewhere and pig out, stuff like that, you know, just to get my mind of work matters and the problems of the world. buti na lang hindi ako ang presidente ng pilipinas noh? well, it's already 6:00 p.m. i can't wait to get home as that ice cold bottle of san mig light is already waiting for me. it's not proper to keep it waiting. catch you all on monday...

muchos gracias...

2005-05-07T12:44:00.000-07:00

i would like to take this opportunity to thank my friend lou for the wonderful piece of advice that she gave me. i was touched by your gesture. it is very seldom that people will go out of their way to offer a piece of advice about something that doesn't even concern them. not to worry, for your advice was well taken and will be well heeded. pero ano na nga ba yon uli? sabi ko naman kase sayo sa comments mo na i-post eh.=)

special thanks are also in order for yengski, a friend from tabulas.com who helped me out with my taggie at tabulas which by the way is already up and running. my url is http://www.tabulas.com/~bokal/. for those of you who want to view my site, there's not much to see actually but you can now leave your comments at my tagboard. thank you yengski, i'm forever grateful. with friends like these, i simply could not ask for more.

i was working on a post at home last night around 1:00 am. it was kinda long and ready for posting. i was just viewing it when without warning, i got disconnected. the modem daw was busy and the number was not available, basta something like that. this was 1:00 in the morning and i'm pretty sure there are more users during the day, so why was i disconnected? calling tri-isys, please enlighten me as this is not really my area of expertise.

a plea?

2005-05-05T20:07:00.000-07:00

it's been pretty boring since the start of the week, at home and in the office. though i've been relatively busy, that doesn't take away the boredom, right? i know i'm in for a long stretch of boring nights to come kase nga sira na naman yung tv ko diba? and i'm sure it'll be quite some time before i could replace it or even have it fixed coz' i'm usually kinda low on funds during this time of the year. (enrollment period) perhaps the only thing of real significance that might have occurred to me during the week was the break-up with my girlfriend. it's funny how i don't miss her and how i don't even think of her. what the f**k's wrong with me??? to think that we also had some real good times together. only last friday, we had dinner together at "the treehouse" in up diliman. we had lots of fun laughing at almost everything, from the place itself to the waiter who served us, to the other customers. it was somewhat ironic how treehouse hired bands to play every tuesday and friday but didn't serve beer, we mused. we didn't have an inkling as to what we were to expect come tuesday afternoon. but maybe it's better this way, maybe we really need some space between us. i don't know what to do or think anymore, i'm so confused. should i ask for a second (third, fourth, i lost count) chance? or should i just let things fall into place? i really don't f****ng know!!! please help me God.

nothing much

2005-05-05T07:39:00.000-07:00

i've been suffering from a mild headache since yesterday. must be the heat or something. it's manageable at the moment although there are times when i can feel the spasms or whatever the hell it's called. i didn't have dinner last night as i was so so sleepy when i got home at around 9pm. earlier, my friend jean and i were texting and she was asking me if i was alright, sort of checking up on me. well thanks for the concern really, but i don't know what to feel anymore. its as if there's this void inside of me which makes me incapable of feeling anything at all. my tv's busted again, tangina badtrip talaga. when i turned it on last night, nothing came on but this horizontal line again at the middle of the screen. it's been this way since last year and i couldn't count the times that it has been in and out of the repair shop. i just collapsed on the bed til i drifted off to sleep. woke up to the loud knocking on my bedroom door. my mom was asking if i was still gonna take my dinner. i was too sleepy to reply, i just gave a nod then went back to sleep. woke up at 3am, set the alarm to 3:30 and slept some more. got up at 3:30am, had breakfast, actually a combination of a late dinner and an early breakfast, went back to bed and played with the mockingbird, drifted off to sleep again for a few minutes and finally got up at 4am, grabbed a towel and dashed off to the bath. nothing much in the office so far...

leaving me for real

2005-05-04T07:30:00.000-07:00

...and incidentally, my girlfriend for the last 1 year and 7 months finally walked out on me yesterday. i said finally because i already saw this coming a few months back. she probably realized the hopelessness of our situation. i couldn't blame her but she shouldn't blame me either. no one's to blame really or rather, both of us are to blame. funny thing is, i don't feel anything, relief maybe, i don't know. what do i expect to feel anyway? whoever said life was a bed of roses? shit happens but we have to move on...

dekada

2005-05-03T19:19:00.000-07:00

we were just a bunch of kids back then, fresh out of college, doing some serious adult work, hanging out together and just having fun. though you couldn't always distinguish the fun from the serious work.

at the end of a hard day's work, we drowned our sorrows in cold beer while entertaining each other with tales of new found lovers and friends, of conquests and of lost loves, the angst eternally written on our faces.

i can still remember the boisterous laughter, the loud music, the overnights, the gigs, the girls, the girlfriends, the endless supply of booze and drugs. the binges that lasted til dawn. (hoy! magpatulog naman kayo! kung ayaw nyo matulog magpatulog kayo!!!). how we thought those nights (and days) would never end.

we thought the gang would always be there, til one by one we graduated into married life and fatherhood. some just faded into oblivion while quite a few literally walked off into the sunset, never to be seen again.

and so it was a decade ago, when the world was young and so were we. when times were easy and beer was a-plenty. when all we ever cared about was getting high.(getting drunk was a given)when we were at the threshold of something great, or so we thought, when the world was at our feet.

recalling those times brings back sweet and painful memories. though we should only look to the past for reference. we should never dwell on the past for if we do, we can never move on. but that is one experience i'd gladly go all over again.

leaving you...

2005-05-03T13:30:00.000-07:00

i finally got my copy of session road's cd entitled "suntok sa buwan" and the tracks are just so cool i could listen to them for hours. this group has got real talent. and if they were kinda reclusive in the past, well they've been getting the right amount of exposure on radio and tv lately. at a time when the local music scene really sucks bigtime because of non-artists like piolo pascual, sarah geronimo and sandara park, good lord!!! session road is its redeeming factor along with a handful of other acts. i would like to share with you below the lyrics of "leaving you" purportedly the best cut in the album

leaving you
session road

i'm watching me make a fool of myself
silently speaking my wish to be free
turning my world inside out
spin my emotions building my doubt
i fed on your strangeness plain and true
but there was nothing beneath that i knew
i see myself falling from grace
my life fading without a trace
i'm tired of waiting here for you
can't waste my time i'm leaving you
and now that you've taken the world out of me
i'm left with my body hanging free
as lovers come and comfort me
i'm still left with my misery
i'm leaving you

thoughts of you...

2005-04-30T12:14:00.000-07:00

i am posting here a poem which i wrote back in highschool. notice its dark theme? this was written during the undying throes of a monumental heartbreak. comments and criticisms are most welcome.

thoughts of you

hand in hand with you girl
as we take a walk in the park
my love, my life, my shining pearl
you chase away the cold and the dark
we pause for a while and i look at you
with so much love written on my face
you smile at me and the way you do
leaves me dreamin' and in a haze
you stare at me with your dark round eyes
and with words unspoken i read your mind
till the sun stops shining and the ocean dries
forever we will be together in a bind
our silhouettes remain as dusk sets in
you touch my cheek as if wanting to say
"there's so much more we could have been
if you were man enough to make me stay"
the waxing moon makes its way into the sky
as the silver stars brightly shine
i turn away not wantng to cry
in front of those searching eyes of thine
bowing my head, i know i'm to blame
for all the tears and the wasted time too
never again will it be the same
and all i'll have are thoughts of you

they still linger through...

when the rain comes, they run and hide their heads...

2005-04-28T14:28:00.000-07:00

it's yet another scorcher outside the room. the temperature must be in the mid 30s. thanks to the inventor of modern airconditioning, i'm not feeling any of it here inside the office.

i used to hate the rain when i was a kid because i couldn't play outdoors. and i wasn't always allowed to play in the rain either. so everytime my friends would frolic in the rain, i'd just sit by our living room window and watch them have all the fun in the world. years later, everytime there was a light rain or drizzle, me and my friend patrick would get dressed in going out clothes and walk in the rain. we found this practice rejuvenating. people would ask why we had to change in going out clothes, well we figured that since it was just a drizzle and we really had no plans of taking a bath in the rain, we didn't need to strip down to our shorts. it makes sense doesn't it? but have you ever walked in the rain fully clothed? if you haven't tried it yet, you ought to give it a try sometime. i find it refreshingly cool. it's an experience that we should all go through even just once in our lifetime. and isn't there this old passage which says that we should all be rained on or a little rain should fall on us sometime, something like that? that is just so true...

the full moon

2005-04-27T20:31:00.000-07:00

if you happened to look out of your bedroom window last night or the other night, you most probably would have seen the full moon in all its splendor. it has been full for the past 3 nights or so, starting monday night i think. it was most awesome last monday night, looming large and yellow in the dark night sky, flooding with light the whole neighborhood while we lay safely tucked in our beds. an ex friend told me that the full moon has this effect on people which makes them go wild or crazy. she also told me that most crimes are committed during the full moon. but why is it that most persons who commit these crimes, whether full moon or not usually come from the lower class of our society? whether this has been proven or not remains a mystery, to me at least. but one thing i'm sure of is that i'll always be in awe of its beauty and splendor. last september 04, i was with my wife and son at seven suites hotel in antipolo. since it was rory's 10th birthday, we had a party in the house and after the party, we decided to spend the night at the hotel. now this hotel is unique because it has an observation deck situated at the rooftop. there are two powerful refracting telescopes mounted on the deck for the hotel guests to use during viewing sessions. on a clear night, one can easily spot most of the planets and some of the stars and constellations. and on a clear day, the quezon memorial in far off quezon city can easily be seen too. according to the resident astronomer, a upd graduate who i also happen to know, there was this phenomenon last august-september where the full moon appeared twice in a one month period. it's supposed to appear only once in a one month period. if truly it has an effect on people, then it must have been doubly potent during that one month period when it appeared twice. and if it's true that most crimes are committed during the full moon, then we can soon expect some grandstanding idiot from the house of representatives to ban the appearance of the full moon. now doesn't that sound moonstruck???

killing time in the east...

2005-04-27T10:35:00.000-07:00

"oh the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful." these are lines from a christmas carol made popular some decades back by frank sinatra if i'm not mistaken. although there is no fire inside, it is raining cats and dogs outside at the moment. there must be some typhoon somewhere to generate these rains since this is only the last week of april. it also rained last monday and as far as i know, the rains shouldn't start yet until the end of may or first week of june at the latest. anyway, i watched "the jacket" last night with a friend and the movie is kinda crappy. it's about a guy who had a near death experience during the first gulf war. he came home with amnesia and was wrongly implicated in the killing of a cop. since he escaped the charges on an insanity plea, he is thrown in an asylum for the mentally deranged. the doctor in charge, although well meaning, subjects him to a new and radical treatment where he is strapped inside some sort of straight jacket and thrown into a morgue-like drawer and kept there for hours. the treatment allows him to travel in the future and there he foresees the time and date of his death. the rest is just plain shitty and i advise you not to watch it if you don't want to see your hard earned bucks go down the drain. if i had known that it was that crappy, we wouldn't have gone to see it. we should have just watched "guess who" instead or "the wedding date." not surprisingly the movie house was three fouths empty. whew.. what a waste of time and money.

stupids

2005-04-23T19:05:00.000-07:00

with the way he's been acting lately, it's safe to say that this city mayor is suffering from a severe case of "the stupids." here's a little backgrounder: the good mayor is planning to build a college right inside a historical city garden. the garden, dating back to 1858 is home to centuries old trees that provide relief from the air and noise pollution that the city is notoriously known for. isn't it just plain idiotic to destroy a few hundred old trees to make way for a city college? why not build the college elsewhere and in the process preserve the heritage of the city? this dumbfounds me. if that bit of information was kinda depressing, this takes the cake: the good mayor now wants a headquarters for teachers to be built right in the middle of a forest park! what does the mayor have against trees and greens anyway? just in case the mayor doesn't know, and i'm quite sure he doesn't, the forest garden which is 2.1 hectares in size is home to 61 different species of trees, 8,000 ornamental plants and 10 species of birds. these gardens are the city's saving grace. why the hell would anyone want to destroy them? would it improve the city's educational standards? hell no. would it upgrade the teaching methods of the city's public school teachers and make them at par with the world's best? hell a bigger no. then why destroy trees? that my friends is the 64 dollar question. and to you mr mayor, open your eyes to the fact that your city is a showplace of decay, dirt, destruction and poverty. you see garbage everywhere you look. you are second to none when it comes to pollution. mr mayor, you and your city badly need those trees and gardens. please spare them before it is too late. you can still make a difference.

choices?

2005-04-14T10:18:00.000-07:00

it was still dark in my room when i woke up so i figured there was no way it could be past 5:00 a.m. the alarm had sounded earlier but i just ignored it first then turned it off later. it was relatively late when i went to bed last night. i actually didn't deliberately drift off to sleep. sleep stealthily crept up to me while i was listening to john lennon's imagine which was playing on the cd player. so no amount of words can picture the look of surprise on my face when i checked my cellphone and saw that it was already 5:27 a.m. i dashed right away to the shower for a quick bath. it was obvious that i was already suffering from a mild panic attack. i finally reached the office an hour later than my 6:00 a.m. scheduled time in. it therefore defies common logic why i am feeling kinda good this early, or should i say late in the morning. i rarely feel this way during this time of the day when i am about to start another day in this long drawn out struggle in the rat race. what or whoever is the reason for the way i am feeling, i really couldn't care less about. but maybe this is its way of telling me that even if things go wrong and i'm having a bad day, i can still choose to feel good, right? i guess it all boils down to choices, the choice to feel good or gloomy, the choice to be good or bad or the choice to make a difference or just look the other way. i think the choices that we make along life's pathway play a major role in defining us. the way we deal with the challenges and minor obstacles that are strewn along the way reflects on the type of character and moral fiber that we possess. this is our ballgame and the ball is in our hands. start making choices. carpe diem

top five

2005-04-08T20:04:00.000-07:00

i know this is a friendster thing, but since i rarely post at friendster, i might as well post this here. so here goes...

top five dream jobs:

* soldier
* politician
* lawyer
* artist
* engineer

top five movies i'd watch over and over again:

* tombstone
* tincup
* message in a bottle
* return of the jedi
* attack of the clones

top five songs i'd listen to again and again:

* leaving you - session road
* a certain sadness - astrud gilberto
* sway - bic runga
* bilanggo - rizal underground
* two of us - the beatles

top five books/mags i can read from cover to cover:

* the lives of john lennon
* my comic book collection
* eyes of the dragon - stephen king
* the dead zone - stephen king
* tommyknockers - stephen king

top five places i'd want to visit by the age of 35:

* sagada
* vigan
* carmel by the bay
* liverpool
* boracay

top five important people in my life:

* joy and rory
* family
* carmela
* my apo brothers and sisters
* friends

top five obssesions:

* girls
* beer
* cars
* levi's jeans
* nike sneakers

top five beverages:

* san mig super dry
* san mig lite
* san mig pale pilsen
* san mig strong ice
* johnny walker black (blue is too expensive)

top five favorite pastimes:

* spending quality time with my son and wife
* sleeping
* drinking
* watching tv
* reading

top five expressions:

* f*ck
* tangina
* syet
* p**a
* p**e

burnout...

2005-04-08T13:47:00.000-07:00

for the past several days now, my mind has been partially if not totally blank. this must surely be the result of the numerous reports that i have had to submit on time, lest my boss give me another tongue lashing. and this is not counting the production schedules that i have to generate everyday. for the past several days now, my so called creative juices, if there were any to start with, have been reduced to a trickle. i have been so unproductive and uninspired lately that the hours seem to pass me by without me having accomplished anything of significance. after making my daily rounds of the company premises which is included in my job description as supervisor, i just sit at my desk waiting for the clock to strike 5:00 pm. my hunch is that i am nearing the burnout alert level. either that or it is because i missed my weekly dose of san mig super dry last weekend. whatever it is, it is not doing me any good. how do i prevent myself from being burned out? i have to get away from it all. i cannot stand another dreary day anymore. don't get me wrong, i don't intend to commit suicide, although that is not far from my mind. what i mean though is to run off to the perfect getaway. a place where i can recharge all my spent energies. a place where i can cleanse myself of all the stress i accumulated while in the process of surviving in this urban jungle which some of us call home. a place where all activity grinds to a stop, where white sand, blue sky and tranquil sea amidst the noontime sun provide the perfect backdrop as i sip my tequila to the strains of sergio mendez' "like a lover". maybe the idea is not far fetched at all. maybe that is really what i need. yes. i think that is just what i have to do...

just a flicker of hope...

2005-04-04T20:10:00.000-07:00

saturday night, before i went to bed, we were all glued to the tv screen. the pope was gravely ill. he was just sort of drifting in and out of consciousness. the live footages showed thousands of people keeping vigil at the vatican, holding candles and praying. the mood was solemn, not like the easter midnight vigil mass a week earlier.. solemn in the sense that these people who were united in faith were hoping against hope that the greatest man who ever lived in our time could miraculously pull thru the night. and almost everywhere around the globe, this scene was being repeated. but pope john paul II was an old man. he was 84 years old and he had more than completed his work here on earth.. and in the end, he was called home by our heavenly father. he passed away at 9:37 p.m. vatican time, perhaps due to numerous complications brought about by his advanced age. according to a story, years before when he was still cardinal, he was on a trip to australia when his plane made a brief stopover here in the philippines. since he had nothing to do while waiting for his flight, he asked directions to the nearest church which was the redemptorist church in baclaran. being a wednesday, the church was packed to the rafters with devotees. seeing this phenomenon, the then cardinal was pleasantly surprised and quite amazed at how people could pack a church even on an ordinary day. he quickly made a request to the priests in charge to be given the honor of saying the mass, and to which the priests happily gave their acquiescence. years later, when he was already pope, john paul II would relate this anecdote with amusement when he went back to the philippines. please let us all pray for the eternal repose of his soul...

life's a bitch

2005-04-01T21:10:00.000-08:00

i hate my job. it has become so boring and monotonous lately that i often find myself dozing off at my desk. not that it was any fun at the start, but i don't recall having been so bored like this before. it's not your usual 8 to 5 grind and in fact i spend most of the time away from my desk. but the few times that i am at my desk typing reports and signing documents, i feel so sleepy and exhausted. it's as if i haven't slept in a week. if this isn't what you call a burnout, then i don't know what this is. what's worse is that i probably would still be doing this for the next 30 years of my life or so. not unless i suddenly strike it rich in the lotteries by winning a 100 million peso jackpot. i'd quit my job right away and hie off to some secluded spot in the north, say a rustic and forgotten coastal town somewhere in the ilocos region, where i can be at peace with nature, away from the hustle and bustle of city life. far from the bright lights, the fast cars, the noisy girls and the loud music. in a world where time stands still. where i can drink my beer peacefully and ever so slowly without a care in the world, oblivious to everything that's going on around me. where i can take endless walks along the beach under the moon and star lit sky. where i can sip my johnny walker while listening to astrud gilberto's "a certain sadness" that is... IF. well at least dreams are for free aren't they? and in the meantime, i have to continue toiling in this thankless job

total devotion

2005-03-30T19:35:00.000-08:00

under cover of darkness
my soul wept for you
and my battle scarred heart
bade me adieu
to wander in the vastness

drug dazed and in a trance
i am lost and in limbo
in the realm of the wastelands
i beg for one last dance
which i perfected eons ago

in all my piety
i have turned to the dark
for what is there to worship
but the bearer of the mark
and the master of my sleep

truly you are always present...
never are you so far away...